And one day it'll be me that's gonna make you cry.

how many times... how many lies?

2009-03-03T13:07:00.001-08:00

I didn't listen... I didn't want to... You could not find a blinder fool...

do not wake me up...

2009-02-28T14:00:00.000-08:00

For I am yet too sleepy to get up although I am so tired of holding on to those fantasies, wishes and dreams we've shared. But you're shaking me way too hard, instead of continueing laying next to me. You got better dreams now and I may face reality too soon.

Do not wake me up, for I may never dream again - with you.
by Maria Isabel O.

Get far away from me...

2009-02-25T11:36:00.000-08:00

Isn't it weird how fast time passes in moments you're happy and how slow when you're in pain? I have been thinking so many times about my words, about all the things I wanted to tell you since I left and then again they won't come out right. Let's just forget about all the arguments we've had because I can't get them together now.

No day passes by that I don't think of you and no day passed by, when I was in a different place, that I did not ask myself If you could actually feel my longing for you between all those miles, all those silent hours and all the pain. How was I able to explain things to you when I did not even get them myself but I have tried and I have failed. I failed in many ways that time. And who is to blame is out of question anymore.

I love you, I still love you and I will continue to do so, eventhough you were not cooperative and understanding enough in times I needed the love I have always given you.

I see you everywhere I look, I still want and need you the same way I did before although the broken part of my heart is wanting you to be

JUST FAR AWAY FROM ME.

For now I am just too tired asking for any more solutions, 'cause pain is pouring all over the place. I may have known what is wrong from right when it was important but I passed the due and now I am not able to decide for anyone, anything neither for me.

I am avoiding my "What If?" because for now I just don't want to know what will be If my broken heart is gonna take over and really wants you to be JUST FAR AWAY FROM ME.

2009-02-22T07:34:00.000-08:00

In the quiet of darkness,
in the stillness of night,
I am imagining you're holding
me tight.

Your voice is the music,
in my heart is the song,
please come to me now,
it's with me you belong.

Our love is so real,
for it captured my soul,
there's no other feeling
that makes me feel whole.

When god made his angels,
he made you for me.
There's no more mistaking,
we were meant to be.

I can't live without you,
I can't say goodbye,
when I think of you hurting,
the thought makes me cry.

Please don't give up now
because of my fears,
don't dwell on the past,
come dry all my tears.

As the moon is my witness,
and the stars are my guide,
I'll love you forever,
I'll no longer hide.

Come lay down beside me,
I can't wait one more day,
to hear you still love me
the very same way.

Life is going well...

2009-02-12T11:19:00.000-08:00

Life is going well now. I haven't yet shared the hell I've been through in the last few months and maybe I never will. But the truth is forever an constantly, existing memory in my head, a pain in my heart and a bruise in my soul.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for the good men to do nothing.

I have tried to strengthen my belief in God, especially in times when nobody would stand up for me, not even myself. What hurts the most is that people you love from deep within, are able to lie on your face, talk behind your back and let you down for selfish reasons. What task do I have if I have to obey them at the same time knowing that they are not right? I will tell you, in my case I had none. As awful as it seemed, as desperate as I was, I had to move on, carrying all of the evil things that happened to me - with me. Along the path I was walking I tried not to look back, tried to cover myself in a coat, tried not to hurt anyone and I tried to carry heavy loads, knewing my back will break... someday, easily and suddenly - just like that... for the sake of love, the one that was not appreciated.

I have been told that God is giving trials in life because he knows we are able to overcome them but I have never been told that it will be that hard. Sometimes I think he has given the wrong person this trial and then again it moves me, eventhough I wanted not to believe in the good anymore because I have been showed so, but I continued believing and most of all I continued loving.

While I was walking on my path I've decided to bring out the best in me again, Step by Step with every passing day. I may have cried a million tears, I may have not stood up for myself because I was following only what I have been taught, I may have not be as strong as you and Evil may have won for that moment but God knows the truth and YOU are by far not God to judge, neither to know what I have been through. The world is turning around ME now because I may have gave in but I never gave up.

And life is going well now.

by Maria Isabel Oster

will time gonna make you see...

2009-02-08T13:30:00.000-08:00

or wouldn't you even recognize if you ran out of chances? becoz ive given you so many signs and choices... now it is up to you.

IT'S SO HARD TO DO.

2008-10-08T21:04:00.001-07:00

2 DAYS LEFT BEFORE I FINALLY LEAVE. I WASN'T ABLE TO SLEEP THE WHOLE NITE BECAUSE I HAD TO FIX SO MUCH STUFF. WHEN MY DAD WOKE UP EARLY THIS MORNING I JOINED HIM DOWNSTAIRS IN THE KITCHEN. THE SILENCE BETWEEN US WAS KINDA SCARY SO WE CALMED DOWN OURSELVES BY TALKING ABOUT STUPID STUFF. I DIDN'T KNOW IT'S GONNA HURT SO BADLY. I WATCHED HIM LEAVE FOR WORK. HE DID NOT KNOW BUT I WAS LOOKING AFTER HIM UNTIL I COULDN'T SEE HIM ANYMORE. I TOLD HIM I LOVE HIM AND THAT HE SHOULD ALWAYS TAKE CARE OF HISSELF AND MY BROTHER. I DID NOT CRY IN FRONT OF HIM. I HUGGED MY DAD TIGHTLY. I WENT BACK UPSTAIRS TO FIX THE REST OF MY STUFF AND I WAS ALMOST CHOKING BECAUSE THAT WAS THE MOMENT I REALIZED THAT I AM REALLY LEAVING OUR HOUSE. DATE OF RETURN UNKNOWN. I LOVE YOU DAD ALTHOUGH WE HAD ARGUMENTS AT TIMES. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH DAD. I MISS YOU. AND IF EVER I HURT YOU, PLEASE FORGIVE ME I AM SORRY. I LOVE YOU PAPA.

so soon...

2008-09-27T15:27:00.000-07:00

ang haba ng last entry ko noh? naguluhan ka ba? hehehe. who'd have thought na hanggang ngayon tayo pa rin... and we're still going strong. siguro nagpopost ako ngayon dahil gulong-gulong ang mga nararamdaman ko. 2 days ago nung malaman kong ang date ng departure ko. october 11th. siguro yung araw na yun isa sa mga pinakamalungkot sa buhay ko. 13 days... parang alam mo yun, kukunin ka sa place ng kinalakihan mo, sa kinasanayan mong lugar. ang hirap. hindi naman ako nagaalala para sa sarili ko. syempre iniisip ko family ko. ang sakit na hindi ko maintindihan. nagaral nga akong maging translator dahil pinangarap ko mula nung bata ako makapagtravel around the world. tapos eto na ung panahon na matutupad na ang lahat pero ang gulo. ang gulo. noon yun. bata pa ako eh. pero sa dami ng nangyari sa buhay ko na nagkahiwalay ang family ko ewan ko ba. kapated ko. my little brother. he always depended on me. ngayon magtatrabaho na rin sya magsisimula this week. sana maging ok naman ang lahat at gabayan sya ng diyos, hiling ko lang po. tulad ng paggagabay ko sa kanya all his life. baka kasi masmaging maayos pa kapag wala ako. na kailangan kayanin nya yun magisa. i will miss him so badly kahit minsan inaaway nga ako nung mokong na yun. ganon talaga sa magkapated eh. pero alam mo, kahit nung bata pa kami lagi sabi sa amin ni mama na dapat magkakampi daw kami lagi dahil dalawa lang kami. never kong nakalimutan yun. pero siguro ngayon it's time to let go eh. sana maging matatag sya. kahit akala nia ako ang kanyang ate ung malakas saming dalawa ahahah wala un. naging malakas ako dahil mahal na mahal ko pamilya ko. medyo nanghina din ako minsan, syempre sino ba naman hindi. hay. un lang basta maging maayos ang kapated ko sa lahat ng gagawin nia in the future. syempre, mamiss ko din papa ko eh. nagkakaintindihan kami of course kahit madalas kami magaway. laging may arguments. eh maybe it's just becoz i remind him so much of my mom. if i know hanggang ngayon mahal nia pa rin si mama. ahahaha. aminin!!! tinanong ko nga kung mamiss nia ako pag umalis na ako, sabi ba namn hindi. sabay naman sya tumalikod at alam kong his heart was broken. ahehehe. papa talaga. ayaw nga lang ipakita. oks lang. ramdam ko naman yun eh. that's so far dito sa bahay namin. my two boys i am gonna miss them really bad. my mommmmmmmmmmmm! sya may plano neto. pero alam kong iniisip nia ang kapakanan ko. it's time to move on na kasi. pero sya ung una naiyak infairness. hehehe. kahit magkamukha sila ni mama beck sobra kong mamimiss mami ko. iba pa rin kapag alam mong andian lang nanay mo. kahit noon naranasan ko ng kung gaano kasakit pag medyo malayo sayo nanay mo atleast you can drive there naman. ngayon... di na ganon kadali yun. i love you mama!!! ayoko sana umalis pero alam ko na kailangan kong umalis. hindi ko nakalimutan mga nasabi ko sayo, mga pangako ko mula nun bata pa ako. matutupad ko na lahat ng promise ko sayo mama. wag kang magalala. at sabi mo rin pag sobrang lungkot ka na pupuntahan nio ako ni onkel noby hahaha. pero sana wag ka masyado magpapagod ha? alam ko din naging sakit ako sa ulo mo at naghirap ka samin, para samin, dahil sa amin pero yaan mo babawi ako mama. babawi po ako. sana po diyos bantayan mo family ko. na lagi sila nasa maayos na kalagayan. since hindi na po ako makagawa ng paraan na ganon kadali na pag malayo na po ako. i will miss you mom. so much. and syempre ang aking 2nd daddie. salamat sa pag gabay. ayokong umalis. pero kailangan ko. ang sakit. di ko na maituloy etong post ko hahaha. naiiyak na talaga ako. un lamang po aking panginoon. sana mabasa mo to or atleast marinig mo mga dasal ko. salamat po. paalam.

Lawrence and Ria del Rosario.

2008-09-04T15:32:00.000-07:00

written by: Me

naiinis ako sayo grabe. nung una pa lang kita nakilala sabi ko ano ba tong lalaking to? daldal naman tapos ang kulit kulit parang may pupuntahan lagi 'di man lang matahimik. kala mo naman nakakatuwa ang mga jokes mo? puede ba. nakakainis. pero no choice eh, kapag ang puso na umimik may magagawa ka ba? ayun... hanggat sa may naramdaman na care para sayo. kainis naman.

bastos mo ha. may pakalibog ka talaga sa katawan. kakairita. tsaka akala mo ba yung pakiss kiss mo sakin makyu-kyutan ako sayo? hell to da no. at kung mainis ka naman sakin parang may ginawa naman akong mali kahit hindi. nakakainis. pero no choice eh, ang bilis tumibok ng puso ko para sayo.

hoyyyyy sino ba yan? ahhhh, sya ba? bakit kailangan mong magpulusot eh naglihim ka na nga sakin. problema ko? ikaw! kung sino sino pa gumugulo satin at hinayaan mo namang gumulo pati sa akin. sabi mo past is past bakit parang hindi mo man lang pinaglaban ang present then? eh di dun ka na lang. paki ko ba. tutal nakakainis ka naman talaga. wala akong paki. naiintindihan mo? wala akong pakielam. magsama-sama kayo! kailangan mo ba akong saktan? bakit hindi mo makita na napakahalaga mo na sa akin? hays. nahulog na kasi ang puso ko para sayo. nasaktan mo naman agad.

ahahaha may nalalaman ka pang you feel lonely? kasalanan mo. kung hindi sana sobrang complicated at nagopen up ka, sana mapaniwalaan pa kita. pero ngayon? birthday ko, ayoko masayang ang oras ko sa isang tao na kaya akong saktan. gusto mo saktan kita nang malaman mo? sige paghirapan mo ang ibibigay mong regalo sakin, para hindi ako maiistorbo. dian ka lang. at oo, aalis ako magpaparty ako at ang pinakamaganda dun mageenjoy ako. magisa. hindi ka kasama dun. gets mo? salamat pala sa regalo. adios. ang ganda ng ginawa mo. sana nga lang totoo ang mga sinabi mo. hanggang ngayon pinapakinggan ko pa rin yung kanta mo sakin. di man lang kita pinansin masyado. hays. sana kasama kita dito. ang lungkot ng kaarawan ko. ni hindi man lang kita kasama.

hmmm... bakit ka kaya nawala ka ng 2 nights? sabi mo kailangan dahil bla bla bla 'di ko na narinig eh. siguro may babae ka noh! l*che. sabi na nga ba!!! ang babaero 'di magbabago kahit kailan. tamang-tama ha, napakacoinsidence naman yun, ang naging syota mo bumalik na dyan. kala mo naive ako noh? takte yan. have fun huh! sana naman gumaling ka kaagad. mamimiss kasi kita ng sobra. at magiingat ka ha. wish i could be with you right now, pasensya ka na kung wala ako para atleast maaalagaan man kita. sorry.

grrrr. tagal ko ng gising. lagi kita kailangan hintayin. hindi ka pa rin nagtetext. ano nanaman kaya palusot mo ngayon? ay oo nga naman, coinsidence nanaman. inaway mo ako kahapon tas mawawala ka nanamang bigla ng ilang araw. dahil may nasira dyan sa inyo at kailangan ipagawa muna. tapos oo nga! lagi kang may sakit. buti buhay ka pa sa dami na sakit mo. kakainis. grabe. tuwing gabi, pinagdadasal kita. sana naman huwag na dumagdag mga sakit mo. gusto pa kita makasama... habang buhay.

nanaman? brownout dyan sa inyo? ahahaha. oh sure! kumikidlat at kumukulog? how come hindi ko naman nabalitaan kahit sa news? sa dami ng problema na nga natin ngayon na may bagyo pa at syempre hindi tayo makakapagusap nyan. kalokohan mo. kainis ka. as in naiinis ako sayo. bwisit. sorry, kung inaway pa kita ha. nakita ko nga sa news bumaha-baha pa nga. alam kong di mo gusto sa kidlat at kulog. i am imagining niyayakap kita ngayon para di mo mapansin ang kidlat at kulog. mararamdaman mo kaya ang yakap ko kahit papaano? don't feel lonely andito lang ako.

ok din trip mo ha? tinutulugan mo ako parati. ayus. bored ka na ba sakin? sabihin mo lang para hindi na tayo nagaaksaya ng oras. after nang maghintay ako buong araw sayo ang gagawin mo sakin tutulugan mo ako? habang nagsasalita pa ako ha. bored ka nga noh? kakainsulto ka na. kainis. sige matulog ka lang dyan. bahala ka. babantayan na lang kita. ano kaya pinapaginipan mo ngayon? ang cute nagsalita ka pa eh. kahit hindi ko naintindihan. sana kasama mo ako sa panaginip mo. lagi din kasi kita kasama sa panaginip ko. ang saya-saya natin. masaya ka pa ba sakin? sana nararamdaman mo yun. sige, dito lang muna ako bantayan pa kita. sweetdreams!

kapal mo! naglalaro tayo ng mga games feeling mo naman ang galing mo na dahil nanalo ka isang beses! ahahaha. excuse me, suerte ka lang. bakit sakin mo ba sinasabi na chamba lang parati pag nananalo ako? pinagbibigyan lang kita heller. sa totoo lang, nung una nabobored ka na sa paglaro ng games kasi talo ka eh. isang beses lang talaga kita pinagbigyan kasi ayaw kong makatulog ulit hanggat sa kailangan mo na ring umalis. gusto pa kasi kita makasama. kahit naglalaro lang tayo ng silly games na yan. basta naririnig kita. kahit natatalo na ako dahil magaling ka na talaga, ok lang sakin. napapasmile ako pag natutuwa ka tuwing manalo ka. ang cute mo talaga.

ano pinagsasabi mong "do you wanna marry me?" baliw ka ba? kalokohan mo nanamn. paano mo masasabi sakin yan eh di pa naman tayo nagkita. kainis ka. kapag galing sa puso mo dun mo na lang sabihin ha? 'di yun ganon ganon lang. tas inulit ulit mo pa nga. ano kala mo? laro to? at akala mo naman mag-oo ako sayo? u wish! shet na malagkit, muntik na ako naihi dun ha. grabe 'di man lang ako prepared sa ganon eh. ni isang beses sa buhay ko 'di ko pa naisip yun, tapos galing pa sayo? parang puede na ako mamatay. pero wag muna. never ko ng makakalimutan to. sana nga totoo. ang sweet. ang sweet mo. salamat sa paguulit-ulit mong sinabi sakin yun ha. mahal na mahal kita at oo... i do!

alalang-alala ko pa mga scenes na to, kala mo ba makakalimutan ko yan? loko-loko ka kasi... ok lang, loka-loka din naman ako. sabi nga nila mapaglaro ang tadhana. 'di ko maimagine yung unang taon natin na magkalayo tayo sa isa't isa. maslalo pa tayo naging close dun. kaso i had to leave din dito sa may amin. napaurong nanamn ang date ng pagkakita natin. alam kong ayaw mo akong pumunta sa states pero wala akong choice. ang bigat sa puso ko nung umalis ako dito. pero kahit malungkot ka, itinago mo na lang at pinalakas mo loob ko na kaya ko ang lahat, na kaya pa natin. natatakot ako bhie. promise mo sakin na kakayanin mo, hintayin mo ako ha? dahil kakayanin ko din to. para sayo. para sa atin. mahal na mahal kita.

welcome to the united states of america! 'di ko feel dito kainis. miss ko na family ko. miss na miss na rin kita. kung marinig ko lang sana ang boses mo. nasa airport na nga ako pero hindi naman yun dapat gusto kong puntahan. ang daya. pero kailangan kong gawin to. sana... huwag mong kalimutan na para sa atin to. sana wag mo kalimutan ang pangako natin sa isa't-isa.

ang hirap mag-adjust dito. maslalo pang lumaki ang gap ng oras natin. nakakapagusap pa rin tayo kaso napapagod ako eh. hirap ng buhay mag-isa. siguro kung kasama kita dito ok lang ang lahat sakin. pero kaya pa! magkikita na rin tayo. huwag kang mag-alala. pagod man ako dito, never akong mapapagod mahalin ka. magkabilang mundo man tayo. mahal na mahal kita.

bakit bihira na lang tayo magusap? parang lagi kang wala... ano ba nangyayari? 'di mo na akong kayang hintayin? may iba ka na ba? sumuko ka na ba? kainis. sana kung meron man nagbago sabihin mo sakin. ayokong umasa. ayokong maghirap dito para mapunta lang sa wala. sabihin mo sakin kung meron man. please.

pagkatapos ng pagpatak ng kay raming luha... finally! eto na bhie, ang tagal ko ng hinintay neto. kakalabas ko lang ng airplane. papakita ko na lang passport ko. nasa tamang airport na ako. bhie andito na ako!!! asan ka ba? pag labas ko ng terminal ang lakas ng ulan. hinihila ko pa maleta ko nung may humawak sa kamay ko. pag lingon ko... i recognized your face agad. pag yakap mo sa akin 'di ko na talaga mapigilan ang mga luha ko. ang higpit ng yakap mo sakin. buti na lang umuulan 'di nila napapansin na umiiyak na tayo pareho. emote ka ha. 'di ako makapaniwala bhie. parang hihimatayin ako after lahat ng sakripisyo at pagsubok pinagdaanan natin. sana 'di na matapos etong moment na 'to. i love you.

parang ang tagal na natin magkilala ha. puro ka kalokohan. ayus lang pareho lang tayo. kung mapagtripan natin ang mga tao habang nakaupo sa labas ng starbucks eh noh. ahahaha. bhie, masama manglait. laitin kita gusto mo?

lagi mo ako kinikiss sa noo ko. i like your lips alam mo ba yun? dalawang buwan na lumipas ng magkasama tayo. lagi mo ako hanap-hanap at lagi din kita hanap-hanap. kahit alam nating nsa CR lang yung isa sa atin or bumaba lang saglit. hayaan mo, 'di na kita iiwan kahit kailan, pangako ko yan sayo. 'di na tayo maghihiwalay kailan pa man. 'di na natin kailangan magsakripisyo pa. we are so addicted to eachother... could it be any better?

out of town naman ang trip mo. sa bagay, matagal na natin balak pumunta sa beach na yun eh pero bakit walang plano plano. bigla mo na lang sasabihin sakin. habang inaayos ko mga damit natin bumili ka na ng inumin ko para sa biyahe. alam mo talaga mga gusto ko noh? ang cute pati ng bago nating mga damit. parehas pa tayong nakayellow. maslalo kang pumogi. sabay kitang nakiss at umalis na tayo.

ang haba ng biyahe natin. nakatulog ako sa shoulders mo. ikaw din. inaalayan natin ang mga sarili natin. pero magkahawak kamay pa rin tayo habang tulog. kahit alam kong magkasama na tayo... ayokong mawala ka eh. just making sure noh hehe.

uyyyyyy infairness!!! ang ganda ng resort dito. konti lang pati ang mga tao. ganda ng pinili mong cottage bhie. 'di ko akalain may taste ka pala kahit paminsan-minsan lang pagdating sa mga ganon. hehehe. biro lang ha. magtatampo ka nanaman nyan. halika yakapin kita. puede na kitang yakapin kahit tampo ka eh. agad namang nawawala diba? i love you...

buti na lang nakatulog tayo sa biyahe natin noh. umaga pa lang we still have the whole day. nagswimming muna tayo. kala mo maduduraan mo akong seawater? well, ginawa mo nga kaso nalunok mo ng konti. pinagtawanan kita. nilunod mo ako. walangya ka talaga. pero after nun kiniss mo naman ako. ok lang. peace na ulit tayo. baliw!

pagdating ng gabi sabi mo magdidinner pa tayo. dun sa may beach. may sinetup ka. susyal naman natin. pinadress mo pa ako. as if may nakakakita satin kung di yung waiter lang. pero ok lang. gusto ko kasi magandahan ka sakin. pagdating natin dun ang ganda talaga ng mga preperations mo. parang dream lang. parang mga nakikita mo lang talaga sa mga movies movies. 'di ko akalain ako mismo makakaexperience neto. how romantic bhie. salamat. naku, maiiyak nanaman ako neto ang ganda kasi. pero sige kain na lang muna tayo.

dami mo nakain. infairness. kahit ganyan ka kapayat dami kasya sa katawan mo na food. natatawa ako sayo. malnourish tawag ko sayo. parang may nagkamali ata sa taas. ako 'di naman mahilig kumain pero ewan ko ba. babuy tawag mo sakin eh. kainis ha. at the same time ang cute. malnourish and babuy. we've always been opposites since nagkakilala tayo. but still we have so much in common.

ayan. first time natin maglakad sa beach bhie. mainit init pa nga ang sand. maslalo ka ata umitim. halos 'di na kita makita sa dilim. biro ulit ha. kiss kita! muah!!! i really like your lips. huyyyyyyyy why you going down on your knees? kakahiya ka pag may nakakita pa satin sabihin may topak ka. tumayo ka nga!!! sabay may binigay ka saking singsing at tinatanong mo sakin kung naalala ko pa ba yung proposal mo kahit 'di pa tayo nagsasama noon. etong moment na to... naramdaman ko din noon eh. parehong pareho. kaso nga lang masmabilis pa talaga ang tibok ng puso ko at this time natanong mo ako habang nakatingin ka sa mata ko. I DO...

minsan 'di ko malaman... noon ang bagal ng oras nung hindi pa tayo magkasama. ngayon ang bilis ng mga pangyayari. grabe. 'di ka pa rin nagbago. ako din naman hindi. naiinis pa rin ako sayo at baliw ka pa rin pero pareho tayo nakatayo dito before god. naririnig ko pa yung iyak-iyak ng tita ko. actually, natatawa tayo pareho alam kong nararamdaman mo rin yun na 'di natin alam kung naiiyak yun dahil sa saya or dahil sa ikaw nga talaga ang naging asawa ko. hahahaha. you are just smiling at me and i know what you were thinking. pareho lang naman iniisip natin. baliw ka talaga. kasal na natin puro parin tayo kakulitan. ninenyerbus ka rin ba sabihin ang vow mo? pinapawisan ka bhie eh. ok lang yan. isipin mo na lang, tayo lang andito sa simbahan na to at ang diyos lang nakakarinig sa mga pangako natin sa isa't isa.

I DO. I DO... and the thing about hirap and ginhawa... alam na nating before tayo mangako sa harap ng diyos. kasi pinagdaanan na natin diba? I'll love you 'til death do us apart Lawrence. You may now kiss the bride. Alam ko naman eto hinintay mo eh hehe!

Honeyyyyyyyyyyyymoon. Oo na. Alam ko na. Kung makatingin ka talaga. Loko ka. Eww laging nasasabi ko noon pero ok na. Ready na ako. Ikaw ba? Nagtanong pa ako. Alam mo bang ikaw ang nag-iisang lalaking minahal ko at hinayaan kong makalapit sakin ng ganito?

Syempre, nalaman mong ikaw talagang nag-iisang lalaking ganon kalapit sakin dahil buntis na ako. Pakasuerte naman natin ha. Takot nanaman ako. Sinabi ko na sayo. Kala ko magugulat ka. Kung makasmile ka naman eh hanggang sa tenga. Ahhh, alam ko na. Naplano mo to noh? Aminin!!!

Halos 'di na ako makapagsulat dito laki naman na kasi ang tiyan ko. Pero naiinis ako sayo. Nung una kahit nga sa pagsuka ko, bantay ka sakin. Hinahawakan mo pa buhok ko. Pero pansin ko lang... Habang tumatagal etong pregnancy ko late ka ng umuuwi. Sabi na nga ba. Grabe, mapapatay talaga kita. Ganyan ba talaga kayong lahat mga lalaki? Boring na ba ako para sayo? Eh sino may gawain neto? Ikaw din naman diba? How I wish ikaw may dala-dala dyan sa tiyan mo nang malaman mo. I hate you. 'Di kita mapapatawad. Bakit mo ginagawa sa akin to? Sabi pala ng sister mo sakin 'di niya ako nareach sa cellfone ko dahil tulog ako eh. Tumanggap ka pa ng isang trabaho at 'di mo agad nasabi sakin dahil biglaan ang offer. Ayaw mo ng tumanggi dahil gusto mo maganda ang buhay namin mag-ina.

Ang araw ng pag-ire! Ano ba yan. Natataranta ka. Galit na galit ako sayo pero natatawa ako. Ang cute mo pa rin bhie. Masatat ka yata sakin. Infairness, pumogi ka nanaman. Parang nabuntis ka nga rin. Atleast 'di ka na masyado malnourish. Pagdating natin sa hospital naluluha na mata mo. Ok lang yan, huwag mo ng pigilan. Halata naman eh, kala mo hindi ko kita! Baliw! Hahaha.

The Delivery Room. Bhie ang sakit. Sabi mo nga masakit nga, dahil halos ko ng dinurog kamay mo eh. Sensya naman, nanganganak lang naman. Alam mo the last time you looked like that was the first time we saw eachother. Ganon na ganon ka, pero masmasaya pa. Habang hawak mo na ang baby natin 'di mo narin nakayanan 'di umiyak. Sabi na nga ba bibigay ka rin eh. May baby na tayo bhie, sabay mo akong kiniss sa noo ko.

Nung mga unang taon puro kalokohan tinuturo mo sa baby natin. Ako naman palihim. Para ikaw masisisi. Hehehe. Ang saya ko pag nakikita ko kayo. Salamat sa lahat. Hindi ako naiinis sayo. Hindi na... pero ikaw baliw ka pa rin.

Tagal ko ng di nakapagsulat. Busy na masyado tayo sa family natin. Ang dami na nangyari. Tatlo na ang anak natin. Malaki na sila bhie. Kung wala ka... hindi ko alam. Sa lahat ng sakripisyo ginawa mo para sa amin. Tama kaya ang pagbring-up natin sa kanila? Siguro naman diba, ngayon magsasariling buhay na ang last naiwan sa ating anak. Si bunso natin. Nagmana talaga sayo. Pero maskamukha nya ako ha, para lang maliwanag. Nageemote ka sa tabi ko. Kahit ayaw mong ipakita alam ko na yun. Pag ramdam ko, ramdam mo. Pag ramdam mo, ramdam ko. Sabi mo bata bata pa ng babygirl natin para magasawa. Tinadyakan kita nang malaman mo. Ang bata ko din kaya nung pinakasalan mo ako. Ok ka lang!!! I love you... Gurang.

Well, gurang ka na talaga ngayon. Pero hanggang ngayon mahal na mahal pa rin kita. Minsan hindi ko alam kung hanggang san na umabot ang pagmamahal ko para sayo kung iconvert natin sa kilometres.

Baliw ka talaga. Nakakainis ka naman minsan noh. Paminsan minsan na lang syempre. Napapagod na ako mainis sayo eh. Tsaka naawa ako sayo matanda ka na rin hehe. Nagpapabunot ka ng puti mong buhok sa ulo. Ok ka lang? May iba ka ba? Biro lang bhie. Kahit lagi mo noon inisiip pinagdududaan kita... alam mo naman ang totoo ngayon. Basahin mo lang itong unang mga pahina. Malalaman mo din. Mahal na mahal kita.

Alala mo pa ba sabi mo lagi masamang damo tayong pareho at matagal tayong mabubuhay? Well, mapapatunayan ko na ikaw lang ang masamang damo. Sabay kitang kinurut. Hirap na kasi tumadyak sayo. Bhie takot na ako. Yakap-yakap mo ako. Takot pa rin ako kasi hindi ko alam kong naipadama ko talaga sayo kung gaano kita kamahal. Hanggang ngayon nagtuturo pa rin tayo. Sabi mo kasi alagaan ko sarili ko. Minsan naiinis kasi ako sayo. 'Di ako nakinig sayo. Pasensya ka na. Alam kong alam mo. Ramdam natin pareho eh. Naluluha mata mo bhie. Pinigpigilan mo. Ang pogi mo pa rin. Kahit kulubot kulubot ka na diyan. Napapasmile ako. 'Di na ako makatawa eh. Salamat... sa binigay mong buhay sakin. Salamat sa mga anak natin. Salamat sa lahat. Mamimiss kita. Alam kong alam mo. Alam mong alam ko... Mahal na mahal kita.

I died on a sunday morning in your arms. You spent the last night next to me. Parang noon. Remember nung nasa beach tayo. Buong gabi mo ako binantayan. Nilalaro-laro mo pa buhok ko. Naramdam ko rin yun etong huling gabi. Salamat ulit. Sorry, kung hindi ko natupad na kahit kailan 'di na tayo magkakahiwalay. Mahal na mahal kita una kong pag-ibig. Paalam.

The End

P.S.: 'Di ka nakatagal na wala ako. 1 day later sinundan mo ako. Walang kang originality!!! Baliw ka talaga. Loko-loko. Inis ako sayo! Sige na nga, 'di ka na rin masamang damo... dahil lahat ng kaya mo binigay mo sa akin... Niyakap mo na lang ako at sabay mo akong kiniss sa noo.

HAPPI FIRST ANNIVERSARY LAWRENCE DEL ROSARIO!!! MEDYO WEIRD BA ANG SULAT KO PARA SAYO? ALAM KONG NAIINTINDIHAN MO ANG IBIG KONG SABIHIN DITO. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH BHIE KO! SALAMAT! MANY MORE YEARS TO COME BHIE! HAPPI FIRST ANNIVERSARY!!!

only almost here...

2008-06-24T17:12:00.001-07:00

hi people!!!

im back from my worldtour! ahahaha kiddin'. i changed my skin again. nicey huh? got nothin' much to say now or letz put it this way... i'm too tired n lazy to post right now. i jaz wanna greet cristiano ronaldo - u sucked in tha game hehe! looser! goodluck germany! only a few hours left until semifinals!!! yey. im excited. i didnt do nything the whole day jaz spent time sum time with those niggurs called lady anne and brianna. nice homiez by the way. ahaha jokez!!! looking forward for sum comments of you dudes. oh yea, hi boyfriend!!! hows things! i love you bhie. haven't i always anyway?

gudnite suckerz. im just typing stupid stuff. i must be realli tired. luv yall. nitey!

A SiMPLE PROMiSE...

2008-06-11T11:04:00.000-07:00

Hey blogreaderz,

how's it going? Just finished watching soccer. Portugal won of course. I wanted to talk about the movie I've watched last night. It was a lowcost production but still I watched it 'coz I found the description very nice. "A struggling young artist meets a talented songtress." Hahaha yeah, that sounds interesting to me, of course. I might go that way huh. There were a lot of unecessary scenes but the message in the end was more than clear. Success aint everything but sometimes you're just so blind on your way to the top that you forget about the things that should be really important. So blind until you loose those. I dont want to go into details but that simple movie inspired me. It's called "A simple promise", simple promise because they promised eachother whoever is going to have success first will just support the other one. Well, and as you can imagine the girl got signed on the same day as her husband got the offer to go to Paris. She got to tell him first because she was so excited, so he didnt even tell her nomore. He never saw her happier... She was flying really high and still he didn't tell her, he forgot about his pride and dream just for his gurl although she was really mean at times, telling her she's payin' all the bills, and you can imagine how upset a MAN can get. Well, in the end he died in an accident and then, just then she came to realize. How sad! But if I'm going to meet such a guy I'd never let go of him nomore, that's a promise ahaha... Till then! I'm kinda tired already. Much loves.

Why can't you just see?

2008-06-09T12:22:00.000-07:00

I am in pain. And I admit it. I am hurt. I am so hurt that I can't even help myself getting out of this. Why? Why always me? Why can't you see that I did this all because of you? You told me to grow up. I am trying by not beeing too sensitive anymore. I've tried being mature when it comes to fights that I even discussed things out with you. When I got hurt so much before, I wouldn't care about what I felt, I'd just hang on and wait for you to be okay. But the last time scared me away. So I decided to look for the distance but to think that we're already so far away... I thought it's gonna be easier for me to heal from all these wounds. No matter what I did, I'd always end up with you. You'd never hear me complaining when you fell asleep while we're talking about stuff, stuff that we're important for our relationship. I think I carried all these too long with me and I just let it all pass by that now, we can't find any solution anymore. I do love you more than anybody else in this world and I dedicated my life and my whole being to you. When I realized that I had to ask myself, what if I am not able to live on my own again - without you? When you're the one always letting me feel that you could care less if ever you would loose me. What about me then? I didn't stop caring for you, I still love you even more with each passing day, but you just wouldn't see. I always believe in the things you tell me but why does it seems like you forget about it in the next minute? When it comes to arguments and fights, why can't u apply those to yourself...? Kahit minsan lang? Please lang. Because I am aching so much that I can't stop myself from crying. Why can't you see that my heart is screaming for you? Why can't you see I am happy with just simple things. Am I asking for too much when I want you to spend your time with me? 'Coz that's all we can do since we're far. Why can't you see after all this time? Don't you know I am happy when you are? Don't you know I feel triple of the pain when you are hurt? Don't you know that you're the only man I adore and love so much? Despite the fact that we've never seen eachother? I do not understand nomore, I've always tried. I am not saying I am perfect, I am so imperfect indeed but my heart is pure, my love is pure, my soul is pure. Don't you know I'm looking upon you as my besfriend, lover and protector? I am too weak to help myself out of this again and if ever I'd be suppose to leave you in a wink of an eye.

Would you be hurt if you loose me?

Imperfectly... perfect.

2008-06-06T16:03:00.001-07:00

I still remember that night, it was in last year - one of those few nights in summer that I stayed home. Disturbed and kinda confused, rejected I the offer of my friends to hang out with them. It was just some days ago when I got back from our vacation in the Philippines. I had the will to grow up a little more, leaving my past finally behind me. So there was I, in the thought that I'd be inspired enough to let go of that silly, immature girl I used to be.

Boredemness took over at home, so I decided to sign into my messenger, maybe that would be enough to kill the time. I chatted with a few friends and one of them invited me to a Voice-chat-conference. Though I'm not really one who would raise her hand, I sang to that friend and the more time had passed, the more people came into that "Confe." You were one of those people. I marked my calendar as of August 8th, 2007 when I first met you.

'Though we didnt even know eachother we talked on the phone for hours. I never used to open up but I opened up to you, things that were on my mind, reasons why my heart had no open door, I opened up to you - a totally stranger.
I didn't ask you for me to be there. But you were just there, to listen and even telling me that I don't have to worry, 'coz you're not going to leave. You'd try
your best to always make me smile.

Of course, I was thankful that you listened to me... you made a girl talk that kept in silence for years. Days passed and after a few talks more you told me that you fell inlove with me. I wanted to slap you because I didn't believe in it at all. How could you fell in love so fast? So at first my thought was you did all do that because there was just one ambition you had. And I was sick of it. Love, wasn't even part of my vocabularies, so I just let it pass me by... for the meantime. There were other men surrounding me, all of them willing to give me their everything (huh?) but none of them were in my mind those days, quite like you.

Almost one month passed... while I was being busy with my work you were the one standing by. I was having a hard time but you were still there. I just couldn't reject what my heart already felt for you. And in that time you were the only person who understand me, 'though you could have cared less but you didn't... I didn't fell inlove with you 'cause being cautious of love is one of things I can handle best. I don't know what I was thinking on the night of September, 6th 2007, but I decided to give you a chance without even thinking further. Weeks gone by and I learned to care about you even more.

Right after our 2nd monthsary, days before my birthday... there I was. Just when I thought I could handle to give love a chance, an unecessary action - involving your past - took place. Without going into details now, I was so glad I didn't fell for you. But why couldn't I avoid to feel betrayed? After 4 years of suffering from physical and emotional pains, I thought that would be healed... but I just found myself in my own past again, being pushed by what happened. Maslalo na akong nalito sa mga pangyayari, that the little silly girl inside of me, the one I wanted to push away, just appeared within seconds. And naramdaman ko, 'di pa pala ako ready enough. Nilayo ko na ang sarili ko sayo. You've tried to explain but my heart and mind were closed. I celebrated my birthday - without you. Nor giving you any importance in my life anymore. Pero alam mo, maappekto ba ako kung 'di pa kita minahal by that time, kahit papaano?

Ang pinakita mo sakin after nun, is something I'll treasure siguro for life. All those things I always hated about men, the things I hated about you - iniba mo. Pinakita mo sakin that you're sorry and that you really care. I never gave second chances but my heart decided, no matter kung ako ang talo sa huli or hindi. That's when I learned how to forgive, even if it was just step by step.

When Christmas passed by, things happened, involving your life made us grow together even more. And we even celebrated New Year together. I remember I was so aliw in that night, seeing all those fireworks on the sky while you were just listening to me and being happy that I was happy. And on New Years Eve, YOU opened the door to my heart. You made me feel that your love isn't selfish.

Alam mo, sa dami dami nating pinagdaanan, mapupuno ko pa ng ilang pages etong blog, from ups and downs and every emotion that you could think of. At sa totoo lang, I never took the opportunity to tell you how blessed I am to have you in my life. You would always hear na ikaw ang pinakasuerteng lalaki sa mundong to (which is in some ways true, because nobody's gonna ever love you like this nomore hehe), tapos yung sabi sabi nila na hindi ka babagay sakin (which is not true because we're still kicking it together by just loving one another). Never kong siguro nasabi, sa buong time na to na ako rin dapat ang pagsabihan na ako ang pinakasuerteng babae sa mundong to, pero ok lang kasi alam ko na sa sarili ko yun. I just wanna thank you, kahit naiinis ako lagi sayo at ramdam mo minsan na puro mali ang ginagawa mo, let me tell you it's not true. I appreciate every little thing you do, the man you are now - you say because of me... Ni minsan, nasabi ko na bang ako na ang pinakaproud sa lahat? Ang 'di mo din siguro alam, sa tuwing magkaaway tayo, kahit alam ko ikaw ang mali (hehehe) I'd rather give in than seeing us fighting and saying stuff to eachother we rather keep to ourselves. Kapag alam kong nasasaktan kita minsan sa mga sinasabi ko, I want to make it up agad, pero siguro din dahil sa layo natin 'di ganon kadali yun. Naguguluhan na ako ang dami ko naiisip at ang dami ko talagang gustong sabihin sayo but you deserve even more than this. I can't see myself with another man na 'cause we're not just lovers but also the best of friends. At alam mo lahat ng mga kontra satin, syempre nadala na rin ako minsan but I never thought of giving in because of whoever na nagbibigkas ng mga salita about you and us, dahil hindi nila alam what we share. You know, I know I am still in the process of growing up but with you everything is so much easier and we learn from eachother. Kalokohan man sabihin ng iba na malayo tayo sa isa't isa and it's not gonna work out like this, tayo na ang nakakaalam kung ano ang totoo. And I'd love to say that hindi lahat ng moments natin were perfect pero the time it was, it always felt like we're the only people in this world who have something real. I love the way you love me, I love the way you care about me and I am just so happy to have you. You just came at the right time in my life. Siguro eto na ang unang pagkakataon na sasabihin ko, na... lahat ng times na yan were the times I learned how to love.

My title for this blog is "IMPERFECTLY PERFECT" because you may not be the perfect boyfriend, you may be the perfect example of an sometimes insensitive man, but to me you are imperfectly perfect, and nobody can ever take your place in my heart. Nobody will ever come close.

HAPPY 9TH MONTHSARY LAWRENCE DEL ROSARIO! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

JUST WHEN i NEEDED YOU MOST...

2008-06-02T23:31:00.000-07:00

Yeyyy! Here we go again!

I didn't sleep yet aint that cooley? I've tried to sleep but the storm here was so scary that I just couldn't argh... So umm... where to start? Yesterday was such a badass day lols. But I don't want to mention any details about one thing in particular... So yeah, I woke up a little late and the first thing I did was searching for my Besz!!! Ahahaha. Actually, 'di ko alam kung ano mga una naming pinagusapan, all I know is I was just so aliw to talk to her but I think she was more aliw, she just don't wants to admit it. Because I texted her before na online na ako then wala pang 10 seconds at nakita ko na ang kanyang ID sa aking list . Then yun we were talking about kay ATAT and may tinuro sakin si Besz:

Expect the Unexpected.

Napakabagay sa maraming bagay. Kay atat, kay HIM etc. Hay buhay! Then she showed me her new haircut at agad sinabing napaikli ehhh Besz! I told you ahahaha pero you're so pretty, she looks like an teenager kahit Power Gurangerz na sya. Naks. But she really consoled me yesterday, especially sa isang bagay. Wala pa akong sinabi alam nya agad. Para syang magician, in tagalog they say mangkukulam hehehe. 'Cause sigh here we go again... si HIM. I needed him, he was there but I needed him to comfort me. You know, it's just sometimes that you don't have to prove to me you're wiser and you can think ahead, it's all about the feelings. I do understand naman talaga eh but he said so many things when there was just one thing I needed...

HIM - as my BOYFRiEND, HIM - as MY MAN, and therefore - MY PROTECTOR...

'Di ko kinailangan mga advice nya 'cause alam ko naman lahat yun eh. SYA kinailangan ko. But I guess sometimes it is so hard for him to understand. I'm really trying to explain things and in the end he always gives me that feeling of STUPiDITY. Sigh... Minsan naiinis na talaga ako sa kanya eh gusto ko syang dagukan at kung ano pa mga physical pain gawin sa kanya but first of all, malayo ako at pangalawa 'di ko naman talaga kayang gawin yun sa kanya... aba'y isipin nyo malnorish na nga sya sasaktan ko pa, kinalabasan nun ako pa yung masama in the end. Seriously, minsan kahit hindi nya alam nasasaktan ako, sensitive ako pero hindi naman in a OA way. Yung simpleng bagay kasi... sawa na ako magexplain wahahaha! At once na or twice na rin ako napunta dun sa point na sinabi ko sa sarili ko enough na. 'Di dahil sa ayaw ko na kung di dahil di ko na matake yung sakit sa puso. My man is not bad. He's just isn't that sensitive. Well, as time passed by natuto na din sya at dun ako masaya and thankful about. Ayaw ko naman sa sobrang sensitive baka maging BAKLA naman sya bigla. Lugi ako. Hehehe.

Ayan, I'll stop here muna 'cause online na si Besz. Sa wakas! Ina ng awa!!! Praise the lord. Kahit lagi ako iniiwan ni Besz na walang paalam, ok lang, love ko pa rin sya hehehehe! Have a nice day yall!

Happy again!

2008-06-01T09:52:00.000-07:00

Hi people of the sun and stars!

Now that I have the time to post again i wanna tell you the stuff that happened to me in the last 3 days. I was really too tired although I couldn't sleep. How weird. Hehehe.

So, me and my boy are being back to normal. The first time we talked again after 2 days, was kinda weird of course. Both of us came up with the things we have argued about & so we discussed things out. You know, he's that kind of righteous guy, who would never admit that he sumtimes, IS WRONG. Well, and he thinks I always say sorry just for that moment, which is not true. Sorry has always been such a hard word for me to say but I think he's never gonna understand that. So we compromised and I gotta confess it is better like that for the meantime. It still gives me some kind of a pain when I think about it, but I should believe things will work out. And that's what I want anyway. I aint giving in because I want us to be okey, but because I don't wanna throw things away just like that.

It's so weird, we're having big fights just once in a while, guess this was the 3rd time in almost a year and we always end up the same. We going back to the state of being inlove, 'though he always says we gotta grow up but in the end he knows we're better off like this, which I hope, we both feel... But I really thought that it would be harder for me just to forget about things this time ahahaha. Well, I think in those moments, you feel like your heart is being smashed on the ground and you are not able to put the pieces back together and that some even got lost. But then... making up with HIM is the sweetest thing in the world. And then he really makes me feel like I am his princess hehe! Lucky me having a man like him. If just sometimes, he would feel how much I treasure things, lil things... How much they affect me. But I know that there's also times he does and then he handles it like a fragile. With so much care.

I love him. HIM. Endlessly.

So ummm, I decided to write in tagalog from time to time 'cause Cray told me to do so. I told her it's gonna be so chaotic!!! Ahahaha. She left me pala yesterday, without saying bye, so I was really sad. But I knew she must have fell asleep. Addict kasi, laging nagpupuyat lately so yun tuloy nabagsak nang 'di nalalaman on pa pala computer nya hehehe. It's hard for us to say bye to eachother, 'cause lagi kami naaaliw sa isa't-isa . Both of us gustong lagi magkwento ng maraming bagay that ang labas minsan is so magulo talaga. Here's one example:

Aint she cute ahahaha!!! Baka 'di raw ako makabalik agad naks. Under ako kay Crayey ko hehehe. We're really like soulmates, sometimes we do have that blind understanding. She already knows what I think about certain stuff and so do I. That's so great. And she's having some plans of visiting me, well actually si Crush nya ahahaha. Naks. Si ano. Naku yari ako neto. I better shut up now. Ngayon, nagrerecord na sya ng kanta namin na "Kulang na kulang." Sana nga lang bumalik kasi nagoffline nanaman ang kanyang ID.

So ayun, I'll stop muna dito. I am listening to this song "Bleeding love." I really love it 'cause it reminds me of my own situation. There's so many things and people I gotta fight against but...

Trying hard not to hear but they talk so loud
Their pearcing sounds fill my
ears, try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal is to keep me from
falling
But nothing's greater than the rush that comes with your
embrace
And in this world of loneliness I see your face
Yet everyone
around thinks that I'm going crazy...
But I don't care what they say 'cause
I'm inlove with you
They try to pull me away but they don't know the truth...

So yeah, it really fits so much huh? But I'm gonna post that topic the next time. I just hope my dearest Lawrence, you know that...

I am so proud to be your girl and that I'm gonna stay no matter what.

LAZY!!!

2008-05-31T17:53:00.000-07:00

My dearest Blogreaders,

I just got back home and I am really to lazy to post all those stuff that happened in the last 3 days ahahaha. Sorry. But I will for sure, as soon as I wake up.
I missed my Crayey. I love you!
And of course HIM. Lawrence del Rosario! I love you!!!

Gudnite people. Read you tomorrow... Aww so corny ahahaha! Nitey!

A NU BEGiNNiNG iS HARD TO DO.

2008-05-28T11:27:00.001-07:00

Hello world!

Guess what? Yeah, I'm back! Not for good though - I'll make this one just another place of my very own memories. Uh well, quite a while ago and I really missed posting but I don't know how or where to start...

I think this idea just came right in time (Thanks Crayey!) 'coz I really needed to share my thoughts. A lot of things happened in my life since I graduated last year. Been to the Philippines and after that I felt so brandnew. Kept myself busy with two jobs, stopped performing and partying. I resigned on my 2nd job though in late December which was in a Club on the weekends. Who would have thought, that I - the princess of all parties - could ever stay away from long nightouts with the gurls & my other buddies? Take note, until now. So I am living a decent life, focusing on the things that I decided to prioritize for the meantime, which are my family, God & music as usual.

Hmmm there's so many things on my mind right now but I just can't put the pieces together. It would be too confusing. Anyway, I was suppose to go to the Philippines in March but out of nothing I got sick and I still have to deal with my healthproblems but it's getting better though. Thanks God. But I wanna go to the Phils. as soon as possible. Now that I've also been told that my youngest aunt (our gap's 5 yrs) is pregnant! Yey!

And of course... I wanna go because of HIM.

I gotta confess, we are having a hard time lately, but who's not gonna suffer from being far away from the person you love the most? Let me add the fact that we had a big fight 2 days ago. And as if it's not hard enough already, I am also forced to go to the States, which I am avoiding for quite a while now.

But he knows that. I am not torned nor having second thoughts of following my family's will. I've always been a good daughter, as far as I am able to judge that. I am willing to go the P.I. and not because I am hardheaded but because I'll listen to my heart this time. Just for once. No matter if there's stuff we are argueing about lately. Aint it confusing?

Told ya. Sigh.

And the longer I listen to all my favorite songs, the more I want to explode! 'Coz the last thing we fought about were those comments I couldn't avoid to read. Things from his past. Gosh. I am so stupid 'coz he was being so sweet. Yeah, same argument all the time. Maybe yeah, it's me I don't know why until now, I am not able to accept his past. I've tried my best. We are so different when it comes to relationships and love. He, the one who could write a book of all the affairs, relationships and girls he had and me, the one who could only fill out a pocketbook, if ever - compared to him. I've always been cautious when it comes love. And yeah, because I got hurt once. But I gave this one a chance after so many years AND it doesn't mean I don't love him with all of me. I'm not even having that lack of trust like he always says, it's just that I want him to understand that sometimes I am not able to avoid that I get hurt because of his past. I had to stop writing...

'coz I helped my dearest friend converting his vid wahaha and we're not done yet.
I also had a nice chitchat with Baby Ayen.

So, let's get back to business. I do want him to understand that when I get hurt because of his past, I am just being emotional 'coz I really love him a lot and I am not even blaming him for all those stuff. How could I? That was long before I even entered his life. I also do understand that he's getting sick of it 'coz it has nothing to do with what we have, well in some ways. Our relationship got affected because of his past once. That was the time when I almost broke up with him and then he changed so much for the better, which I am thankful for. I do appreciate everything he does... Everything. He's been a part of me for so long now, he's even included in my daily routine. We had our ups and downs and we still gotta face so many things and people - all of them against us. But as long as we had eachother we didn't care. It's so weird that I always gotta ask myself things like "Did he love someone else more... before me?" "What if I am not able to give enough?" I know it's so silly! Never thought that I could love a man so much, that I would ever give love a chance.

It was just yesterday when I really felt bad, didn't know what to do. It was the first time that we haven't talked to eachother for one whole day. But for today I don't feel pretty much affected anymore and that's maybe because of my pride. I confessed I was wrong and I did understand that he was hotheaded by then already. But some of the things he told me hurt me much. And he knows the girl I have been before our paths crossed. The one who didn't care at all for boys. The one who left them behind if they just did one wrong move. Well, like I said I was about to leave him as well, if there wasn't the will of giving it another try. And I know, he knows what is going on right now. He texted me and I didn't reply. I do want to but I am in pain and my heart is closed. I know he told me once, that he does not wanna show that he's afraid to loose me 'coz I could use it against him but sometimes it aint wrong to show that you care. What if I make up my mind with that feeling he is giving me? I'd be forced to to make an decision.

I am trying hard not to.

I always used to hang on but I'm worried about the way I feel now. I don't know... On the other hand, I kinda feel like the words in Luther's song:

I'd rather have bad times with you than good times someone else.
I'd rather be beside you in a storm than safe and warm by myself.
I'd rather have hard times together than to have it easy apart.
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart...

Err... is it obvious that I am confused? Ahahaha. I better stop now 'coz I gotz a lot of stuff to do today and maybe I won't be able to blog until Saturday. I just wish things will turn to normal. Have a nice day yall!